inaction

This post contains affiliate links, because I like money, but I s2g I wrote this post before adding the affiliate links and the monetization does not affect my opinions.

Hello bubs. I’m currently folded up with menstrual cramps on my boyfriend’s couch while the cat licks her butthole next to me.

I have so many half-started (more like eighth-started) posts sitting around, but even though I want to work on them, I can’t bring myself to actually do it.

I used to feel antsy with possibility whenever a new year rolled around, but I think ever since starting my current job about two years ago, I keep finding myself too exhausted to take inventory of my life after the holidays. Or maybe that’s just adulthood. Maybe that’s just what it’s like to be in a relationship, because what’s happening in front of me feels more important than a hypothetical improved version of myself. Maybe I’m done with self-improvement. Or maybe I just need to find a new job.

sam thinking about work

me thinking about going to work

(I do. I’m unhappy at work, and it’s making my anxiety flare up in a way that hasn’t happened in a couple years. Also, I’m underpaid, because my employer sucks.)

(To be clear: I get paid a lot, by most standards, but I’m making at least $15k less than market rate for someone with my experience. I’m not complaining about making too little; I’m complaining about my company being run by a bunch of assholes. They are underpaying everyone whose salary I know.)

Maybe I should set a baby goal. A mini goal, that is. Not a goal for a baby. I know I’m that age now, but I don’t want a baby just yet.

I did talk to a recruiter on Friday, which is good for phone interview practice. But I’m procrastinating on setting up my follow-up phone call, which is painful to think about, mostly because I’m afraid the technical interviewer on the other end is going to discover I’m a fraud and I’m actually incompetent. (Which is my own fear about myself.)

I gotta do it, though. I gotta do it. How else am I supposed to change my situation?

(THANKS, SELF, FOR MAKING ME WRITE THIS BLOG POST. I EMAILED THE RECRUITER BACK. I’M SWEATING.)

Here’s a mini update of other things I’ve been busy with:

  • reading Ready Player One by Ernest Kline (Goodreads | Amazon)
  • and Ratf**ked: The True Story Behind The Secret Plan To Steal America’s Democracy by David Daley (Goodreads | Amazon)
  • and My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante (Goodreads | Amazon)
  • thinking about buying tickets to go see Betty Who in concert
  • trying to avoid buying clothing, shoes, accessories, or makeup for a while
  • doing a backdoor Roth IRA for the first time
  • playing Overcooked with my boyfriend in an attempt to improve our communication, coordination, and teamwork (IT’S SO FUN! And frustrating. But mostly fun!)
  • getting back into Since First I Saw Your Face (it was a WIP and I was stuck waiting for an update for a while) and LIVING for Holmes’ pining
  • hurtin’ to watch the new Jumanji because KAREN GILLAN!!! Her legs make me useless.

Tomorrow, I’m going to the Legion of Honor to see the Klimt/Rodin special exhibit (before I head home to study more practice problems from Cracking the Coding Interview and to sit in dread thinking about going in to work on Monday). It’s been a while since my last trip to a museum and I’m looking forward to being movèd by art again. I think my heart needs it.

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