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Hello bubs. I’m currently folded up with menstrual cramps on my boyfriend’s couch while the cat licks her butthole next to me.
I have so many half-started (more like eighth-started) posts sitting around, but even though I want to work on them, I can’t bring myself to actually do it.
I used to feel antsy with possibility whenever a new year rolled around, but I think ever since starting my current job about two years ago, I keep finding myself too exhausted to take inventory of my life after the holidays. Or maybe that’s just adulthood. Maybe that’s just what it’s like to be in a relationship, because what’s happening in front of me feels more important than a hypothetical improved version of myself. Maybe I’m done with self-improvement. Or maybe I just need to find a new job.
me thinking about going to work
(I do. I’m unhappy at work, and it’s making my anxiety flare up in a way that hasn’t happened in a couple years. Also, I’m underpaid, because my employer sucks.)
(To be clear: I get paid a lot, by most standards, but I’m making at least $15k less than market rate for someone with my experience. I’m not complaining about making too little; I’m complaining about my company being run by a bunch of assholes. They are underpaying everyone whose salary I know.)
Maybe I should set a baby goal. A mini goal, that is. Not a goal for a baby. I know I’m that age now, but I don’t want a baby just yet.
I did talk to a recruiter on Friday, which is good for phone interview practice. But I’m procrastinating on setting up my follow-up phone call, which is painful to think about, mostly because I’m afraid the technical interviewer on the other end is going to discover I’m a fraud and I’m actually incompetent. (Which is my own fear about myself.)
I gotta do it, though. I gotta do it. How else am I supposed to change my situation?
(THANKS, SELF, FOR MAKING ME WRITE THIS BLOG POST. I EMAILED THE RECRUITER BACK. I’M SWEATING.)
Here’s a mini update of other things I’ve been busy with:
- reading Ready Player One by Ernest Kline (Goodreads | Amazon)
- and Ratf**ked: The True Story Behind The Secret Plan To Steal America’s Democracy by David Daley (Goodreads | Amazon)
- and My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante (Goodreads | Amazon)
- thinking about buying tickets to go see Betty Who in concert
- trying to avoid buying clothing, shoes, accessories, or makeup for a while
- doing a backdoor Roth IRA for the first time
- playing Overcooked with my boyfriend in an attempt to improve our communication, coordination, and teamwork (IT’S SO FUN! And frustrating. But mostly fun!)
- getting back into Since First I Saw Your Face (it was a WIP and I was stuck waiting for an update for a while) and LIVING for Holmes’ pining
- hurtin’ to watch the new Jumanji because KAREN GILLAN!!! Her legs make me useless.
Tomorrow, I’m going to the Legion of Honor to see the Klimt/Rodin special exhibit (before I head home to study more practice problems from Cracking the Coding Interview and to sit in dread thinking about going in to work on Monday). It’s been a while since my last trip to a museum and I’m looking forward to being movèd by art again. I think my heart needs it.