lately (05.07.18)

This post contains affiliate links, because I like money, but I s2g I wrote this post before adding the affiliate links and the monetization does not affect my opinions.

Henlo, friends. I am very tired.

I’ve spent the past 2 months or so in a maelstrom of abject misery, what with trying to interview at like 15 different companies at the same time.

(In Silicon Valley, this generally implies that for each company, you’re spending 1 hour on a recruiter phone call, 1 hour on a live coding exercise, and if you get past those, sometimes 4-8 hours on a take-home project, sometimes 1 hour with each manager whose team you might be joining, and, almost invariably, 6 hours on an onsite interview (though I know of some companies that take up to 16 hours onsite, split over a couple of days).)

After everything, I ended up with exactly one (1) verbal job offer, which I turned down earlier this week, on the grounds that I’d prefer not to work at a company whose self-described engineering culture reeks of Nice Guys™ (a suspicion that was only magnified by their post-interview communications, during which I felt like they were trying to bribe and/or woo me with actual gifts).

So.

It’s May. I’m still at the same job, but I’m making slightly more than I was a couple months ago, thanks to a cost-of-living raise that was 4 months overdue and that took my salary from embarrassingly low to acceptably low.

I’m licking my wounds and wallowing for a bit in my sadness bath and trying not to feel guilty as I concentrate on actually moving out of my childhood home and in with my boyfriend at the apartment I’ve been paying rent on for the past 2 months, instead of trying to interview more.

(I should be studying. I should always be studying(!!!), because I’ve been doing so poorly on my interviews, because I’m mediocre at my profession and I can only get better through practice. But my study strategy so far has consisted of doing practice problems until I have an anxiety attack (lol), and then mentally checking out until the actual interview via a diet of fanfiction, YA fiction, and online window shopping.

And I know you could easily argue that it’s a numbers game and everyone faces rejection sometimes and I haven’t been through that many interviews, but that doesn’t change the fact that I feel guilty for not being stoic enough to study harder. I just… My brain broke, so maybe I did do my best, and it just wasn’t very good.)

Anyway. This work stuff is all a bit boring, so here are some other things I’ve been up to over the past 2 months or so:

wayfair rugs

Left to right: Astoria Grand Boyer Area Rug | Mercury Row Dorset Ivory/Fuchsia Indoor Area Rug | Wrought Studio Shugart Sealife Area Rug.

I think the colors should work nicely together, especially after I get my furniture and wall decor set up.

  • listening to Flicker as self-care because it is SO soothing to hear Niall crooning “Even if I don’t understand / you can talk to me” when (lmao) I leave work early because I’m having an anxiety attack while sitting at my desk, or when I’m obsessively playing DOGE2048 for the 25th time today because I need to get it right instead of washing my Day 14 hair
  • swapping out the black knobs on my IKEA Hemnes dresser (I got the White Stain version) for brass and mother-of-pearl ones from SaltBoxTradingCo on Etsy. Here are the IKEA knobs that came with the dresser:

ikea hemnes dresser - white stain - black knobs diy

Functional, and not ugly, but lacking that 300 Fox Way aesthetic.

The brass & mother-of-pearl knobs I ended up spending a total of $61.95 (including taxes and shipping) on:

saltboxtradingco etsy - brass mother of pearl inlay drawer knobs - dresser cabinet pulls - gold abalone iridescent - diy ikea hemnes dresser white stain

brilliant, incredible, amazing, show-stopping, spectacular

And if we can just gloss over the WIP that is the rest of my bedroom, here’s the result of this little DIY project:

ikea hemnes dresser - white stain - diy - saltboxtradingco etsy - brass mother of pearl inlay drawer knobs - dresser cabinet pulls - gold abalone iridescent

So, the knobs are gooorgeous against the off-white, but swapping them out was a lot more work than I’d expected. The knobs themselves are the cheaply made kind with attached bolts that are way longer than necessary for most pieces of furniture, so they needed to be cut down to size. Supposedly it’s an Easy Hack™ to use the bolt-cutting holes of a wire stripper to trim bolts, but it required so much force that I had to get my boyfriend to do it for me, and even he had a hard time making the cuts.

Next time I think we might try a hacksaw, which I suspect would allow us to make more accurate cuts using less brute force, which would probably be worth it even if it meant getting metal dust everywhere.

(I’m thinking about adding some kind of over-the-top mosaic with mirrored tiles (like these) along the top rim, or maybe across the entire top surface, or maybe on the sides of the dresser, but that’s a project for another time.)

  • buying tickets to Refinery29’s 29Rooms! I went to the Color Factory with my little cousin sometime in March and it was so much fun (she said it was better than the Museum of Ice Cream because it was more interactive), and I expect 29Rooms will be equally artsy and Instagrammable, but a little more political, which I am totally here for. I just need to start planning my outfit now…
  • deep-cleaning the apartment (most recently: scrubbing the bathroom grout with a toothbrush and baking soda + vinegar. Considering how much literal dirt has come off various surfaces so far, I’m 100% sure neither the previous tenants nor the landlords who live downstairs made ANY effort to clean before we moved in; such is life as a renter in San Francisco… I mean, there’s literally dog hair embedded in the paint on my bedroom wall. F for effort.)

tiled bathroom - dirty grout - baking soda and vinegar diy green environmentally friendly cleaning solution - apartment renting woes

Look at this!!! Look at the difference between the wall grout and the floor grout! And the difference between the floor grout that’s been scoured with a toothbrush (upper part of picture) and the part that hasn’t (lower part of picture)! This is SO. SO!!! GROSS!!! And I haven’t even gotten to the area under the sink or around the toilet yet. UGH!!! After we finish going over everything with a toothbrush, I’m thinking of trying a bleach pen along the grout just to get this floor less grody-looking.

  • purchasing a very expensive vacuum, for the purpose of making the apartment, which houses one cat, livable for me, a person who is allergic to cats. We got the Miele Complete C3 Kona, which was really frickin expensive (I think it’s the most expensive thing we’ve ever bought together that’s not travel-related), but which is also the best goddamn vacuum I have ever used. Not that I’m some kind of authority on vacuums, but it’s effective, relatively quiet, easy to use, easy to move around, and pretty aesthetically pleasing as far as vacuums go.
  • crying at Hayley Kiyoko’s concert because I was surrounded by women screaming “GIRLS LIKE GIRLS LIKE BOYS DO” at the top of their lungs

samglorious - anothertoast - sam attends the hayley kiyoko concert at the fillmore in san francisco and cries about wlw

This is not a pic me crying because of #20gayteen, although I did do that at one point during the concert. This is a pic of me grimacing and feeling extremely grateful that I brought my Hearos earplugs, because the audience was loud. Luckily, I’ve been to enough One Direction and 1D-adjacent concerts to know that I can’t handle the volume of concert-level music, let alone screaming fans, so I always bring earplugs with me. (Also, I know it’s hard to see, but my choker is Dua Lipa merch!)

The only other time I’ve been in a predominantly openly queer space was at Toad Hall in the Castro for a New Year’s Eve party a couple years back. It was a wild and joyous time and I loved it, but this concert was my first time in a space for queer women, and it was… so chill. (I still regret not going to Troye Sivan’s concert when he was here though.)

Also, the number of people wearing glitter highlighter was blinding (in a good way) and inspirational tbh.

the fillmore - san francisco - concert venue

Also the Fillmore is a really cool venue (SEE ABOVE!) and has a pretty good view from almost any position in the house, including the bar, where I spent the second half of the concert doubled over with menstrual cramps while Hayley absolutely smashed her performances of “Curious” and “Gravel to Tempo”. Here’s a shirt I bought:

girl like girls club tshirt - hayley kiyoko concert merchandise - white tshirt boys and girls club of america parody tshirt - 20gayteen

This is now the gayest thing I own. It is also the only gay thing I own, which probably means it’s time to buy a LIBERTÉ EGALITÉ BISEXUALITÉ t-shirt.

  • catching up on Talk Direction (iTunes | SoundCloud) and Switched on Pop
  • listening to Amber Mark’s 3:33am on repeat. I heard about Amber Mark through Episode 70 of Switched on Pop and was immediately hooked on her sound, so I impulse-bought a ticket to see her perform later this month. If that’s not a strong enough endorsement, here are two of my favorite songs of hers so you can listen for yourself:

I also highly recommend “Love Me Right” and “Can You Hear Me?”.

  • thinking about buying a gravity/weighted blanket because I’ve been having really bad anxiety-induced insomnia. It’s more manageable now that my interviews are over, but I’m pretty sure (dead sure) that when I go into my next round of interviewing, there will be many nights when I’ll be lying in bed until 3AM again, heart pounding, hyperfixated on the futility of existence… I’m also pretty sure I’d benefit from sleeping with a weighted blanket, because I already know I enjoy getting dental X-rays because I find the weight of the protective lead smock/blanket inexplicably soothing (in a return-to-the-womb way that I also get from being submerged in water). But goddamn are they expensive! My coworker recommended RedBarnBlankets on Etsy, so that’s where I’ll probably make my purchase when I decide to take the plunge, but it’s going to run me almost $200 for a 12-lbs. twin blanket. 😬
  • thinking about getting a(n absurdly expensive) gold bar cart to use as an XTREMEly stylish vanity, even though I really don’t have space for it. But imagine how cool these would look with some tubes of lipstick scattered across them and maybe a lil houseplant and an $85 Byredo candle:

wayfair gold bar carts - mercer41 royse mirrored bar cart - willa arlo interiors broadridge bar cart - mistana armando 3 tier square bar cart

Left to right: Royse Mirrored Bar Cart by Mercer41 ($162.99)Broadridge Bar Cart by Willa Arlo Interiors ($169.99), Armando 3 Tier Square Bar Cart by Mistana ($120.99).

Okay, so they wouldn’t be able to hold much (unless I actually used them for bar accoutrements and made use of the vertical space), but think of the style points!!!

  • finishing my reread of “What We Pretend We Can’t See” by gyzym (a blessed Drarry fic with a focus on 12 Grimmauld Place as a magical building) and remembering how absolutely in love I am with the concept of Wizarding houses having personalities that result from years of absorbing its inhabitants’ magical input and personal preferences. It’s such a lovely expansion of the Harry Potter universe, the thought of living buildings, the idea that you put effort and time and love into a house, and in time it learns how to protect you, keep your routines, make you comfortable – goes from just being a house to being a home. I. LOVE. IT. (A couple other 12 Grimmauld Place Is Sentient fics that I’ve read recently: “Matchmaker, Matchmaker” by firethesound and “House Proud” by astolat.)
  • being really annoyed at having Zayn’s “Let Me” stuck in my head, because the lyrics are so aggravating, but the melody and Zayn’s vocals are SO GOOD. He’s like that one guy who’s always posting heavily filtered selfies taken from below chin-level on Instagram with Zoems fake-deep captions like “sweet baby our sex has meaning” “trust in the process is the key to progress 🔑”, but he’s so attractive that it blinds you to his wankery.
  • getting super excited about the Crazy Rich Asians trailer!!! I have literally never watched an English language movie with so many characters who look like me, so I’m a little emotional about it, but also I’m just really excited to see all of Araminta’s and Astrid’s outfits because #fashion. I’m actually reading the sequel (China Rich Girlfriend by Kevin Kwan) now, and it’s just as good and decadently trashy as the first book.

  • mailing in my tax amendment forms like it’s 1995 because 1) you can’t amend electronically and 2) untangling my finances from my mom’s has involved a lot of frustration and miscommunication because she really doesn’t like talking about money, and it is hard, but it will be worth it
  • buying a ticket to see Dua Lipa in June! 😍😍😍
  • having way too many feelings about Avengers: Infinity War, but the nonspoilery abridged version is 1) I’m usually more of a Tom Hiddleston/Loki girl, but Chris Hemsworth/Thor has never been hotter than in Infinity War, quote me on it, 2) Tony Stark’s decade-long character development makes me 😍 and 😭, and 3) I would die for Tom Holland, please see below:

  • feeling extremely grateful for the 1D for Olds Slack, which is such a wonderful little safe space for discussing One Direction, fertility, relationships, Avengers ships, careers, and so much more that I can’t discuss in my engineering (read: almost all men) Slack groups
  • reading Captive Prince by C. S. Pascat (I was directly influenced by Lottie, aka lotstradamus, whom I have been following for ages because her taste is impeccable) and being appalled at how many trigger warnings it needs (like, all the trigger warnings) but also appalled at myself for LOVING IT. I’m putting off reading the next book in the series so I have something to look forward to, tbh. (Same with the final book of The Raven Cycle.) Also I can’t stop imagining Damen as Theo James and Laurent as a blonde Troye Sivan but with Yuri Plisetsky’s attitude. 👀
  • sadness-buying the Golden Tarot deck after my interviews all went awry, instead of purchasing the $25 Hollywood Regency-style palm tree candlestick from H&M I’ve been fantasizing about

golden tarot - kat black - middle ages and renaissance artwork - gilt gilded gold edge tarot cards deck

It is GORGEOUS.

I was introduced to the Golden Tarot by way of my older male coworker Grant, whose favorite deck it is. He also let me borrow his copy of The Tarot Handbook by Angeles Arrien, which has a great description of tarot as a practice in the introduction:

“…symbols may well be the creative ideas that function as a universal language in that area where an individual’s internal and external worlds intersect and attempt to dialogue with one another… The Tarot is a symbolic map of consciousness and an ancient book of wisdom that reveals to us visually and symbolically the creative ideas and states of consciousness that appear in multiple existences in all cultures.”

Which I take to mean that tarot is a visual representation of universal human thoughts, and in interpreting our questions through such symbolism, we tap into our intuitions. A bit like Lyra reading her alethiometer.

golden tarot - kat black - middle ages and renaissance artwork - gilt gilded gold edge tarot cards deck

Have I mentioned that the Golden Tarot cards have gilt edges? THEY’RE SO SHINY! ✨

  • still thinking about candlesticks (I mean, look at Florence Welch’s home! Look at her candlesticks! ASPIRATIONAL, I tell you! Most recently I’ve been pining after this set and this set and this set.)
  • continuing our office D&D campaign! My character, Smollzy (a nonbinary teenage Forest Gnome Druid; Smollzy is short for Smolexander, and they’re 2 feet tall), has fallen for a Nat-20 handsome human named Stor, who’s really tall and has dark skin and light green eyes (I imagine him as vaguely resembling Nathan Stewart-Jarrett) and is also illiterate. At one point, Stor got so scared of Azuuk (a bloodthirsty half-orc who was trying to help set us up, as played by Tirso) that he peed his pants, so I peed my pants in solidarity. #romance

dungeons and dragons dnd miniature - smollzy the nonbinary teenage forest gnome druid - 3d printed

This is my mini for Smollzy when I’m in gnome form. As a Druid, I have the ability to transform into certain animals, so sometimes I spend my time as a brown bear:

dungeons and dragons dnd miniature - smollzy the nonbinary teenage forest gnome druid - circle of the moon wild shape brown bear - 3d printed

Tirso (Azuuk) 3D-printed minis for all of us on his home printer and is hand-painting them too, bless his soul 😭 Look at that shading on the paws, and the tiny little claws! Smollzy’s gnome mini is obviously not done yet (I think you can even see a bit of the purple base plastic on their finger), but ARE THESE NOT AMAZING?

Also, our party has just defeated the Big Bad Evil Guy! I spent most of the battle transformed into my brown bear form, sitting on top of an enemy bugbear to restrain him (#justdruidthings), while Eddie (an elf sailor who likes to insult people by comparing them to draperies, as played by JV) tanked and Lyle (a chaotic neutral halfling who can’t resist a gamble and wears a Fu Manchu mustache as a disguise, as played by David) contemplated whether or not he should drink a healing potion himself or use it to revive Azuuk, who was literally one turn away from death.

And on that note.

With last week’s announcement that yet another senior engineer is leaving, I definitely need to get back on that interview grind, but my main focus for at least the next week is making the apartment livable, or at least making my room sleep-in-able. (We’re renting a 2-bedroom because I need a place to retreat to when my cat allergies are too much.)

Maybe I’ll fit in some studying, but the mere thought of even reading another array traversal problem makes me feel like my bones are covered in ants, so maybe not. In any case, I’ve got some good things to look forward to this month (moving in! getting paid! our annual fruit picking trip! Amber Mark at the Great American Music Hall! Deadpool 2! Checking out The Game Parlour! The Magritte exhibit at SFMOMA!), so I’m hoping my mental health will be okay this time around if I make an effort to balance out interviewing with things that make me happy.

Until next time, pals. 🚀

2 Replies to “lately (05.07.18)”

  1. Saaaaam. I love your blog posts so much. I’m also in the process (very early stages aka mostly Pinterest boards at this point) of redecorating my room so it was really fun to read parts of your process. Florence’s home has always been an inspo of mine, too. I love how eclectic and colorful it is but it still feels light and airy. a dream!!! get me to that level!! I visited and LOVED the bloomsbury home (where Vanessa Bell, Virginia Woolf’s sister lived, among others) when I was England and I feel like you’d like the aesthetic too. https://www.charleston.org.uk/about-charleston/ Alexa Chung has actually based her new clothing collection on it / photographed the clothing on the estate. Ugh. It’s so good. I’m extremely jealous I didn’t grab that idea first. I’m also on the obsessive hunt for candlesticks!!!! I just said the other day that a humidifier and candlesticks are on the top of my wishlist and I just ordered a humidifier so candlesticks… i’m coming for u. so many options though. i’ve been scouring thrift stores but i havent found my dream candlesticks yet but i have hope for both of us.

    1. Cara!!! I would love to hear about your redecorating ideas and process and results so please hmu or tweet it or whatever if you feel like sharing!

      Re: the Bloomsbury home, IT LOOKS AMAZING. This is my first time hearing about it or any of the history behind it, and I’ve decided I have to visit it when I finally eventually make a trip to the UK. THE PAINTED DOOR PANELS! THE ORNATE PICTURE FRAMES! THE GREEN BATHROOM! (Actually the bathroom at my apartment is green too! But in a really bad 80s/90s way. I looove the painted tub in the room-by-room photos on the Charleston website though.) Everything looks so dreamy and cozy and kind of like maybe time doesn’t pass normally in that space? SUCH INSPO.

      Re: Alexa Chung, I just clicked through the whole S/S 2018 collection and it is SO good and somehow hits that same wavelength of weird but in a soothing way. Also, appropriately enough, from Vogue’s interview with her: “‘Everything is dreamy, comforting, and also weirdly reminds me of Florence Welch,’ she laughs.” We’re all vibing here.

      Re: candlesticks, I had a brief conversation with Keisha about this on Twitter but WHY ARE CANDLESTICKS SO EXPENSIVE?! I would prefer to buy mine in person from an estate sale or flea market, etc. instead of online, so I think I’ll be holding out for a while longer. Praying for a blessing from the candlestick deities for both of us!!!

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