SuperM in San Jose (02.02.2020) – Concert Recap

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SuperM concert - stage photo - San Jose SAP Center - kpop EXO SHINee NCT 127 WayV - Baekhyun Taemin Kai Taeyong Ten Lucas Mark

(photo from SuperM’s official Twitter account)

TO THOSE ABOUT TO JOP:

This post is WAY too long, but I’m writing this for me, so I don’t even care (여긴 우릴 태울 stage).

Let the jopping begin.

On February 2, 2020, I jopped from Floor 1, Row 2 at the SuperM concert at SAP Center in San Jose. As the kids say, I had barricade. 😎

SuperM San Jose SAP Center - barricade floor seat - EXO lightstick Version 3 Eribong

(That’s not actually saying much, since the floor had assigned seating, and my section of the floor was only 2 seats deep, so everyone who wanted barricade got barricade. Also, SAP Center has a fairly big gap between the barricade and the stage, wide enough for a cameraperson and dolly to pass through with room to spare, so we certainly weren’t close enough to, like, reach out to the members in a desperate plea for a brief hand touch (which I’m pretty sure I would’ve done if I thought there was any chance they could reach me). But anyway.)

My seat was in the second row, on the far right (stage left) side of the floor, right next to the walkway that led from the main stage to the extended stage. I genuinely could not believe how close I was. The members walked by so many times, and literally every time, I completely froze up, as I am wont to do around EXTREMELY HOT PEOPLE.

But let me back up.

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lately (02.14.20)

This post contains affiliate links, because I like money, but I s2g I wrote this post before adding the affiliate links and the monetization does not affect my opinions.

I originally started this post with a recap of the SuperM concert, but I’ve already hit 2000 words and I’m not done yet, so I’ll be putting my concert recap into its own post. Aside from attending the SuperM concert in San Jose, since my last life update, I…

…finally added a collapsing archive to my sidebar. I’m using the Expanding Archives plugin, and while I wish it were as lightweight as the old collapsing archives that I had when I was on Blogger back in the day, it gets the job done.

…ate a Samanco fish-shaped ice cream waffle sandwich for the first time. It basically looks like taiyaki but is filled with ice cream instead of red bean! And it’s DELICIOUS!! The ice cream filling has this slightly crisp(?) texture (compared to your typical ice cream sandwich), which I really enjoyed. (After reading the name of the brand, my partner asked me “Is that your company?” -_-)

…read Reflection: A Twisted Tale by Elizabeth Lim. This version of Mulan begins with the snowy mountain scene from the animated Disney movie and turns into a journey through the Underworld to save Captain Shang’s spirit. Mulan’s character is awesome and strikes all my favorite notes about bringing your family honor and trying to be true to yourself and feeling confined by gender expectations. Also Shang does his usual thing and… acts like a whole bi baby when he realizes this dude in his regiment is actually a chick and has an internal crisis over why he was so fond of Ping. (I mean, not explicitly, but honestly what else would be going on in his head?)

…received my group order for this adorable fuzzy baseball cap with bear ears (a la Jongin’s Instagram Live) and these tiny little EXO motto/slogan patches (“사랑하자” translates to “Let’s love”; one is iron-on and the other is sew-on)

exo kai bear hat - exo motto slogan saranghaja lets love patch sew on iron on

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lately (01.31.20)

This post contains affiliate links, because I like money, but I s2g I wrote this post before adding the affiliate links and the monetization does not affect my opinions.

As I write this, I’m sitting at the dining room table while the smell of our landlords’/downstairs neighbors’ frying fish wafts in through the heating vents. The cat is loafed on the corner of the living room carpet that has the best view of the front door, worrying about when she’s going to be fed. (In about forty-five minutes.) I’m thinking about food, too, and feeling a little guilty for working on this post instead of on my project for class. But I am glad to have taken the time to reflect on these past couple weeks in order to write this post, so since my last update, I’ve been…

…wearing

  • matte olive eyeshadow, namely ColourPop’s Pressed Powder Shadow in Team Captain. My partner bought this for me as part of my Christmas gift, and it is gorgeous. I was a little worried it’d read too green on me, but it’s actually quite neutral on my skintone and reads more like a rich shade of gray, so it’s very wearable.
  • plum eyeliner, namely ColourPop’s Crème Gel Liner in Charmer. This was also part of my Christmas gift. I’d initially thought about getting a burgundy shade like Joy Ride, but I was afraid it’d look too harsh on me, so I went with plum instead. Charmer is really not as dark as it looks in the pictures; it’s more like a bruised pink/purple shade. I’ve been wearing it along my lower lashline, which looks quite subtle and (IMO) very pretty.
  • Glossier Cloud Paint in Storm, which I received as a sample and thus wore only once. It’s a “warm rose” shade that I thought would be way too dark/look too mature on me, but it blends out so easily, and I find the color kind of… sexy? I don’t really know how to describe it, but I’ve added it to my makeup wishlist.

anothertoast - samglorious - selfie - glossier cloud paint storm - olive green wool beret - uniqlo turtleneck - ines de la fressange plaid wool blazer - colourpop lip tint

I love this blush color???

Olive green wool beret: Amazon, gift. Blush: Glossier Cloud Paint in Storm. Lip color: ColourPop Lip Tint in Rise N Shine. Dark teal turtleneck: Uniqlo. Wool plaid blazer: Ines de la Fressange for Uniqlo.

  • my Privé Alliance “Combat Hood” hoodie, which is T H I C C. This was also a Christmas gift from my partner, and I got a Women’s Medium. To be honest, when I first tried it on, I was disappointed to find that the fit was on the slim side, rather than being baggy and boob-masking, like I’d hoped for. I genuinely wanted to look exactly like Baekhyun from EXO’s November 18, 2018 12th MUGI-BOX live broadcast, but alas! I have boobs and hips. If I were to buy it again, I’d probably go up to a Men’s Large to achieve my desired boobless, assless, sweaterpaw dreams. Nevertheless, it’s still a satisfyingly unfeminine hoodie, and the material is RIDICULOUSLY thick and soft. (I mean, it better be, for a hoodie that costs $90.)

anothertoast - samglorious - outfit - prive alliance combat hoodie - uniqlo sinny jeans - veja v-10 sneakers

I love this outfit and I feel very first of all I look good in this shirt about it.

Navy blue peacoat: Uniqlo. Hoodie: Privé Alliance. Black skinny jeans: Uniqlo. Sneakers: Veja V-10.

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lately (01.15.20)

This post contains affiliate links, because I like money, but I s2g I wrote this post before adding the affiliate links and the monetization does not affect my opinions.

I! 👁 Would like to make more blog posts than I did last year. I’m not sure how successful I’ll be, but here’s my first one for 2020. Since the start of this year, I’ve been…

crop top knitting progress

…knitting and frogging and knitting and frogging (and frogging and frogging) the same crop top I’ve been working on for ages. The going is slow, but I want to get it right! I actually restarted the whole thing sometime late last year, so in addition to the original hot pink yarn, I’m also using an emerald green one and an oatmeal/sand one from CamelotDyeworksLLC on Etsy. My original plan was to do very chunky colorblocking, but I think I might end up doing stripes of random widths instead.

…reading Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer. I know I read an Artemis Fowl book in middle school, but I think I must not have started from the beginning of the series, because I didn’t remember anything that happened in this book. I did somehow recall the gnome swearword, “D’Arvit,” but nothing else was familiar. I really think I would’ve remembered reading that dwarves can unhinge their jaws in order to tunnel through the earth at such a rapid pace that the dirt comes shooting out of their anuses at speeds high enough to concuss a man. My GOD.

…starting to read

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things i liked in 2019

This post contains affiliate links, because I like money, but I s2g I wrote this post before adding the affiliate links and the monetization does not affect my opinions.

It’s been eons since I last made a blog post, and I feel overwhelmed at the prospect of recapping everything that’s happened since June, so instead, I will resurrect the spirit of 2016 me and list some things I liked in 2019. Here they are.

movies watched 2019: spider-man: into the spider-verse, a monster in paris, murder on the orient express (1974), little women (2019)

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, which, yeah, came out in late 2018, but I’m including it here because I didn’t watch it until this year. It was truly a delight for my eyeballs, and Miles Morales and his leap of faith got me right in the heart.

A Monster in Paris, a v. charming animated movie from 2011 that my partner and I randomly selected on Netflix one day. It was unexpectedly really, really funny, and I recommend it if you’re in the mood for something fun and a lil funky.

Murder on the Orient Express, the 1974 version with Lauren Bacall, Ingrid Bergman, Sean Connery, and Anthony Perkins. I tend not to watch a lot of movies made before the 90s, but the deliberate overacting and dry deliveries in this had me literally lol’ing.

Little Women, the Greta Gerwig version. It is visually gorgeous (whomst among us did not leave this film desperate for Jo’s entire wardrobe!!!), and the storytelling is so tender, with so much loving attention paid to the March sisters. Of Greta Gerwig’s films, I’ve only seen this and Ladybird, but the way she depicts her characters’ humanity, their imperfections and hopes and fears and their basic desires to be good people and feel loved – it all makes me so soft. I also really, really love that Little Women in particular is so effective at treating the ~little domesticities~ of being a woman with gravity.

tv watched 2019 - nailed it - travel the world on exo's ladder - 100 days my prince - busted!

Nailed It!, which is a very soothing combination of cringe-y scripted schticks, wholesome encouragement, and hysterically disastrous baking.

Travel the World on EXO’s Ladder, both seasons of which are sososo calming to watch, or as the EXOs would put it, Healing™. Basically, EXO goes on vacations and has to play games and complete missions to “earn” their food and spending money so they can buy souvenirs. It’s honestly kind of a joy to watch them all just… be together, messing around and amusing themselves and not being mobbed by fans.

100 Days My Prince, a Korean historical romcom series. I love it SO MUCH, and not just because EXO’s D.O. is in it. I guess I’m just a sucker for the fun combination of a fake marriage (and amnesia!) plotline + political intrigue.

Busted!, a Korean variety show that includes Sehun from EXO. (And Sejeong from gu9udan, whom I would like to be, and Park Minyoung, whom I would like to marry.) Basically, there’s an overarching plot involving implanted microchips and detectives and solving mysteries/crimes, and the cast members have to complete a series of absurd escape rooms, alternate reality games, and nonsense tasks to get the information they need. It’s so dumb, and I love it so much.

books read 2019 - know my name by chanel miller - red white & royal blue by casey mcquiston - the prince and the dressmaker by jen wang - station eleven by emily st. john mandel

Know My Name by Chanel Miller. She’s a remarkable writer, but you probably already knew that if you read her victim impact statement on Buzzfeed back in 2016. Reading this book was so, so incredibly painful, but it felt like something I needed to do – to witness her.

Red, White, & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston. I’ve seen some reviewers call this book too idealistic or unrealistic, but, like, the premise is that the POTUS’ son and the Queen’s son fall in love and cause an international scandal, so, like, I don’t know what else you’d be expecting. This book is QUEER and SAD and FUNNY and I LOVED IT. Also, speaking as someone who was once pretty sure I was straight, Alex’s internal monologue when he goes running is TOO real, and, speaking as someone who lost a parent too young, the pie crust analogy about “when your brain isn’t even done fully cooking” broke me, in a very sad and very true way.

The Prince and the Dressmaker by Jen Wang. This is a YA graphic novel with SUCH A BIG HEART. Basically, the prince secretly likes to wear dresses. I cried!

Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel. This was on my to-read list for ages. It’s a story about the apocalypse, but rather than glamorizing the destruction and violence that an apocalyptic event would doubtless bring about, it takes a look at the best parts of human nature and our tendency toward cooperation, ingenuity, and hope. It gets a little philosophical about humanity at times, but it seems only fitting for a story about surviving the apocalypse. I really enjoyed this book and highly recommend it.

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lately (06.23.19)

This post contains affiliate links, because I like money, but I s2g I wrote this post before adding the affiliate links and the monetization does not affect my opinions.

binch cookies

I have no introduction for this post, but it’s been a while, so let’s do this.

(As a grammar disclaimer, I tend to write lists of songs out as “Song Title”, “Song Title” instead of “Song Title,” “Song Title” because I find the hyperlinks are easier to distinguish this way. “Proper” grammar is a social construct anyway!)

Over the past month and a half-ish, I’ve been…

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on childhood bereavement

another toast - samglorious - on childhood bereavement - grief - succulents - adidas

Two weeks ago, I wrote (and later deleted) a disjointed blog post about re-grieving, and how my eldest uncle’s death set off an emotional breakdown that spiraled out of control to a degree that I haven’t experienced since my paternal grandfather died.

I learned of my paternal grandfather’s death at the doctor’s office, during my first visit with a non-pediatrician physician, at the end of my freshman year of college. I remember being unreasonably nervous about the appointment, to the point where I couldn’t make eye contact with the doctor, a youngish white woman with a ponytail. It didn’t help that she seemed both annoyed and skeptical when I told her I wasn’t sexually active, like she thought I was either lying or a total loser. I felt ashamed that I wasn’t able to give an answer she found acceptable.

My mom was with me, and when I was asked about my family’s medical history, I was surprised to hear my mom tell the doctor that my paternal grandfather was deceased. I panicked and wondered when he’d died and why I hadn’t known, given that I’d seen him the month before, but I didn’t have much of an immediate outward reaction. (I later found out my mom had refrained from telling me until then because it happened during my finals week, and she didn’t want it to interfere with my studies.)

When my mom left the room so the doctor could repeat her questions about my sex life and drug and alcohol use, I was also asked to repeat the details about my father’s death, for reasons I still don’t really understand. My mom had already mentioned that he died in a non-alcohol-related car accident, and when I tried to repeat this fact, I burst into tears and cried for so long that the doctor left to deal with the next patient without completing the rest of the standard checkup procedures, but not before telling me that “this isn’t normal” and “don’t you see there’s something wrong with you” and “you shouldn’t be crying like this anymore” over something that “happened such a long time ago.”

Unfortunately, I believed her.

For a long while, I’d been at peace with the thought that I would always be carrying a piece of darkness inside me. It was painful and very, very heavy, but over time, I’d gotten tired of trying to rip it out of me and had learned to live with it.

But that visit to the doctor’s office convinced me that once again, I wasn’t grieving “correctly,” because I hadn’t gotten over my father’s death yet.

After my dad died when I was seven, my mom put me in grief counseling with a woman whose name I think was Laurie. I remember feeling very, very annoyed during our sessions, and whenever Laurie asked how I was feeling, I would point to the face on the chart that said “bored” until she gave up and handed me crayons and paper for me to draw on. Her questions always made me feel like I wasn’t grieving adequately, like I wasn’t being sad enough. She once asked how my Christmas was, and I told her it was fun because I got to see my cousins, and she asked something like “But weren’t you sad that your dad wasn’t there to celebrate with you?” and I felt guilty, because I hadn’t thought of him once over the holidays, so I said that I was sad, even though I hadn’t been.

I’ve spent my entire life suspecting that something in me was fundamentally broken as a result of experiencing childhood bereavement, that I was damaged in some irreversible way because my father died when I was too young to be able to handle the intensity of my grief.

Two weeks ago, I (somehow for the first time in my life) decided to spend my Saturday night looking up books and research papers on the effects of bereavement on children’s development.

What I found felt personally damning and yet also incredibly relieving, because it confirms what I’ve thought all along: There is something specific about losing a caretaker during childhood that is different from any other relationship and any other period in your life.

I guess it might be alarming for a child to express virtually no sadness at the death of their parent, but it turns out my behavior was absolutely normal, just as it was and is absolutely normal – textbook, even – for someone who experienced childhood bereavement to repeatedly re-experience their grief with new perspectives as they mature and develop deeper emotional capacities.

Some choice quotes from Bereavement: Reactions, Consequences, and Care (1984), which I wish I could shove into that idiot doctor’s face for telling me something was not normal about still having tears to spare, over a decade after my father died (emphasis my own):

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