lately (04.30.20)

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Uuuuugggggghhhhhhh.

It’s the end of April. A couple days ago San Francisco’s shelter-in-place order was extended through the end of May, which I’d fully expected to happen but which really bummed me out regardless.

I’ve been feeling mentally restless for days, partially because of the pandemic and partially because my body’s gearing up for a period and every part of my person is over-tender. I’ve got my NCT noise playlist on repeat and a batch of box mix brownies waiting for me in the kitchen. It’s helping, kind of.

Since my last update, I…

…finally used up my Eucalyptus & Mint Native Deodorant and am now moving on to the Sandalwood & Lemon (a seasonal scent from a while back). Now I smell like the inside of my dresser.

…had several days of migraines, which meant several days of Excedrin-induced insomnia. I’m really sensitive to the caffeine in Excedrin, and while it’s absolutely worth it to not have a migraine, it’s also really disorienting to be wide awake until 4 or 5 in the morning.

…went on another 6AM grocery trip. We were able to get most of the things we needed, but man. We’re going again later this week, and this is getting old real fast. But at least I’ll get to physically see my brother for a little while.

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lately (06.07.18)

This post contains affiliate links, because I like money, but I s2g I wrote this post before adding the affiliate links and the monetization does not affect my opinions.

Since mid-February, I’ve been crying probably 3 or 4 times a week, which is a frequency creeping dangerously close to depressed-college-Sam levels of Crying Too Much. I’ve also been doing too little of the following: sleeping, washing my hair, washing my face, moisturizing my face, flossing my teeth, brushing my teeth, and bathing.

This is fine, I thought, like the comic strip dog wearing a hat while his kitchen is engulfed in flames. It was fine, because I was interviewing, so my anxiety was justified, and because I could deal with situational stress that had a foreseeable end. It was fine!

It was fine to have anxiety attacks at work while sitting at my desk doing nothing and having to leave work because I couldn’t focus while counting my heartbeats or feeling hysterical with nausea or trying to stop my eyeballs from producing inappropriately timed tears (a Sam classic).

And while I’m not yet at the point where I literally want to die and find myself zoning out mid-conversation or partway through a crosswalk to fantasize about tall buildings (college was uhhh how do you say this? rough), I am, in fact, not really all that fine.

My interviews are over. But I still had to leave my desk the other day to will a sudden onslaught of tears into submission in the privacy of a bathroom stall. I still haven’t been practicing normal hygiene routines (this week’s score: Hygiene-1, Anxiety-5), or sleeping at healthy hours.

I’m probably teetering on the edge of depression at this point, if I’m being objective about it, but this time I’m not so socially isolated that I’m being sucked into its gaping maw. I’ve got a few more hands to hold on to this time. It could be worse.

But anyway. Here are some things that have been keeping my happiness levels afloat lately (and not so lately):

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